Life After You
by Kaimu
Summary: Kris leaves Adam and their son to fight with the troops in Iraq. Adam thinks Kris died there and tries to move on. Then Kris comes back...  KRADAM
1. Chapter 1

Kristopher Allen, Adam Lambert and their son, Jesse Allen-Lambert were standing at LAX airport with the other families of Kris' troup mates, saying goodbye to each other.

Kris was leaving his husband and son to go to battle in Iraq for their home country, America.

Adam isn't really sure who has been crying the most, he or his 5 year old son.

He's just going to miss Kris, so fucking much...

Although they have been married for 6 years straight now, Kris still knows how to bring butterflies to Adam's stomache. And much more than butterflies too...

They were hugging and kissing each other, Jesse almost pressed in between them, not wanting to let go of each other.

Suddenly, Kris felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned his head to look into his best friend, and fellow captain of their troup, Matt Giraud's eyes.

" I'm sorry I have to break you guys up," Matt said with a little sadness in his voice, " But general Desai says it's time to leave."

Adam clinged on even more to Kris' shirt, " I don't want you to go."

Kris let out a breathles little laugh, " You'll have to, if you don't want to squeeze the longs out of our little boy."

Adam looked down and saw Jesse try to squirm out from between Kris and his entangled bodies.

Adam quickly stepped backwards and held out his arm to catch his stumbling son.

" Thanks, papa." Jesse said to Adam, then he asked nervously, " Do I have to say goodbye to daddy now?"

Adam nodded sadly, " Yeah, I'm afraid you have to."

Kris bend down his knees and opened his arms, Jesse gladly took the invitation and wrapped his little arms around hiss daddy's neck.

" I'm gonna miss you, my little boy. So fucking much."

" You'll call me, won't you daddy?" Jesse asked softly, tears already gathering up in his eyes again.

Kris had to try his hardest to bite back his own tears, as he whispered, " Yeah, I will. I'll write too."

They hugged each other tight one last time, then they let go and Kris stood up straight again, looking at his husband with a sad smile on his face.

Adam didn't need a second to wrap his arms around Kris again and bend down his head a little to burrow his head in the crook of Kris' neck.

They pulled away after Matt impatiently cleared his throat, but still kept their eyes locked on each other.

" Make sure you come back, safe and sound." Adam said, his eyes boring into Kris'.

" Of course I'll come back safe and sound. I won't go down that easily you know, I'm a tough army guy."

Kris put on his fierce face, trying to make Adam laugh, but it didn't work.

" Promise me."

" I promise, Adam. I'll be back before you know it."

He gave Adam one last peck on his lips, ruffled his hand lovingly through Jesse's hair, then he turned around and walked away, his best friend Matt at his side.

" You take care of him, Matt!" Adam called after them and Matt turned around with a smile on his face.

" Of course I will, Adam. See you when we get back."

Then they walked further a little before Kris looked over his shoulder to see his husband and son still standing at the same place he left them.

He blew them a kiss and smiled when he saw Adam pretending to catch it and blew him one back. Kris pretended to catch it too, waved one more time and then he walked through the boarding gate.

Away from his family...

The last two months had been very hard for both Adam and Jesse. Kris being gone for so long wasn't something they were used to, and now that he was, they had to find away to cope with it.

Jesse, who usually wasn't much of a crybaby, except on the day that Kris had left but that was only normal, cried an awful lot during those months.

Not to mention the times he acted like a completely spoiled brat, screaming at Adam for completely no reason and kicking his toys and the furniture around the house.

Adam tried his best to react calmly to Jesse's outbursts of anger, he knew he was only missing his daddy, and Adam knew the feeling, 'cause he missed his husband more than anything in this world.

Kris hadn't called, like he had promised to, but he had send a couple of letters to them. Telling them how cold and lonely it was up there, and how much he missed them. How much he wanted to get back home to them...

Adam listened to the news on the radio every day, and in the evening he watched the news on the television with Jesse on his lap.

" Papa?" Jesse asked, and Adam knew what was coming 'cause Jesse asked the same question every night.

" Yes, sweetheart?"

" Daddy is going to come home soon, isn't he?"

Adam smiled at his son, " Of course he is, Jesse. And then he'll play with you until you're tired of playing for your whole life."

Jesse giggled, " Then he has to play with me for a long long time."

" Oh, he will. As soon as he's done defending our country, he's gonna spend all of his time at home with us. We'll have him back soon, baby. You don't have to worry, your daddy is incredibly smart and strong, it's not easy to take him down and I should know."

" Papa!" Jesse exclaimed, holding his hands on his ears dramatically like Adam had just told him his whole sex life with his daddy.

Adam laughed and tickled his boy until he begged him to stop.

Then it was time for Jesse to go to bed and Adam tucked him in. Then, right before he left the room, he put in the C.D. Kris had recorded himself once in the C.D.-player, and he let the music softly float through the room. Because he knew this was the only way to get Jesse to sleep.

After a few more hours, Adam went to bed himself. He changed in to his pajama pants, without shirt 'cause he hated that thing, laid down in the bed and took the photo of him and Kris of the nightstand and held it to his chest, close to his heart. Then he brought it back up, stroked with his thumb over Kris' face before he kissed the picture, right on Kris' lips.

He put his earbuds in and scrolled in his ipod songlists until he found Kris' songs and pressed play.

Just like his son, Kris' voice was the only thing that could bring him to sleep.

Late in the thirth month that Kris was gone, Adam hadn't recieved any letters anymore from his husband, and he was slightly getting worried about him.

He didn't show this to Jesse though, 'cause the last thing that kid needed was more stress in house then there already was.

It was a beatuful sunny day that day, and Adam was bringing out a box with more toys for Jesse to the terrace, when he saw a big black car with a little American flag waving in the wind at the front of the car, and Adam stopped death in his tracks.

He saw Matt stepping out of the car, one arm in a sling, the other one leaning heavily on the door of the car.

When he finally looked up at Adam, and Adam saw the defeated look on his face, he dropped the box with toys and slumped down on the floor, resting his back and head against the wall of his house.

This wasn't happening... This couldn't be happening...

Not him... Not Kris...

That's when the tears started to pour down his cheeks and he buried his head into his hands;

"Papa?" Jesse spoke softly, standing confused at Adam's side, " Papa, why are you crying?"

Adam pulled his head out of his hands and looked at hi son, tears still streaming downn his face.

" Your daddy is-" Adam cut himself off, he just couldn't say it,not for now at least, " Your daddy won't be coming home anymore, Jesse..."

Although Jesse didn't really understand what it meant, he knew it couldn't be good.

He sat down on his papa's lap, buried his face into his chest and cried.

He didn't really know why he was crying, but he was pretty sure he had a very good reason for it.

They both just sat there for what seemed like hours. That's until Matt came up to them, helped them to stand up and lead them inside of the house.

All three of them had lost someone they loved...

A best friend...

A husband...

A father...

All of them were equally painful, and neither of them knew if they could ever get over this terrible loss.


	2. Chapter 2

Matt lead Adam into the kitchen and let him sit down at the table, then he took Jesse into the living room and put on the TV, put a DVD of Jesse's favorite cartoons show into the player and pressed play to let him watch those cartoons while he went back to the kitchen to talk with Adam.

When Matt came back into the kitchen, he saw Adam sitting on his chair, just in the same way as he had left him.

He was staring into nothingness, his hands fidgeting on the table, and one of his feet tapping the floor nervously.

Matt took a deep breath and walked up to Adam. He knew this was gonna be hard...

" Do you want some coffee? I could make you some if you'd like."

Adam shook his head, "Tea please. Coffee will only get me to a nervous breakdown."

'Which you're already close to', Matt thought to himself, but he smiled to Adam and nodded.

Matt put the kettle with water on, searched through the cupboard for the tea and let Adam choose which taste he'd like.

When the water had boiled, Matt turned off the kettle, searched through another cupboard for a cup and poured some water in it then he put the little tea bag into the cup.

When Matt put the cup in front of Adam, Adam looked down and his eyes went open wider.

"What's wrong?" Matt asked a little confused, " Did I do something wrong?"

Adam shook his head, still staring at the cup in front of him, " It's the cup. It's Kris' favorite..."

"Oh," Matt said softly, mentally slapping himself on the back of his head, "I can give you another one."

Matt was already reaching out to the cup, but Adam held him off.

" It's ok," Adam said with a sad smile on his face, " I'd like to drink out of it now."

Matt nodded in understanding and pulled his hand back. Then he sat down next to Adam and waited. He didn't want to push Adam into talking, if he wanted to talk about Kris, Matt knew that he would.

But he obviously didn't want to talk right now 'cause he just stared off into space.

Adam's mind was overflowing with memories of Kris and the day they had bought that cup.

They were in Paris that day, and it had been one of the best days of Adam's life...

Flashback into Adam's thoughts

Adam and Kris were out on a day trip to Paris, to visit some monuments and just to explore the city.

They visited The Louvre, to see the painting of Mona Lisa of course. When they saw it, they weren't as impressed as they thought they would be.

Plus, Adam had claimed that Kris' smile was much prettier then hers. Which earned him a blush from his boy, and that, to be honest, was all Adam was going after... To make Kris blush.

They went to the Eiffel Tower, walked all the way to the top on the stairs, and took a lot of pictures from the precious view.

They even went to Disneyland, where they went to the gift shop, and that's where they had bought that cup. They had even bought two of them, but they weren't completely the same...

Kris had been bugging Adam the whole time about buying him a souvenir so Adam had said, " Find something that you think would fit my personality."

Kris had run off like a kid in a candy store, and when he came back he was carrying a cup with him and showed it to Adam with sparkling eyes.

Adam had taken the cup from his hands and, after looking at it closely,he raised his eyebrow, " Seriously, Kris? Tigger?"

Kris had beamed proudly at him, " You're totally just as bouncy and energetic as he is."

Adam had laughed at that and kissed Kris' forehead, " Fine. Now let me find something that fits your personality."

Adam came back not much later with another cup in his hand. He held it out to Kris, who took it eagerly out of his hand and observed it closely.

He couldn't help but laugh when he saw what, or better said;who, was painted on the cup.

" You think I'm piglet?" Kris asked, still with a smile on his face, " B-But, I d-don't s-stutter l-like h-him w-when I a-am n-nervous."

"No," Adam had answered, a playful smile on his face, " But you're just as cute as him, especially when you're all shy and blushy."

Kris had laughed, loud and full of joy. Then he had wrinkled his nose at Adam, " I a-am t-totally n-not c-cute.Y-You a-are m-much c-cuter."

Adam had wrapped him in his arms, almost causing Kris to drop the cup, and had just held him close for a while.

When Adam had pulled away, Kris had looked up at him with a questioning look on his face.

" Why was that for?"

Adam had shrugged, " Just because."

It was as if Kris didn't need an explanation really, he leaned up on his tip toes and brushed his lips against Adam's.

" I love you too, big tigger."

Adam had smiled at him, " Come on, little piglet. Let's go buy these things and go home."

" Oh, we can't go home just yet!"

" Why not?"

" I want to see the sunset at the Notre Dame. I've heard from friends that it's a thing you must do, because it's such a beautiful sight."

" Ok," Adam had said and had taken Kris' hand in his, " Let's buy these cups and get our asses to the Notre Dame. Then we can finally go back home."

" Didn't you have fun today?" Kris had asked a little worried.

" Of course I've had fun today," Adam reassured him, then he leaned closer to Kris' ear so he could whisper, " I just want to get you into our bed now."

Kris couldn't help the little shiver that ran through his spine. He tightened his hold on Adam's hand and started pulling him to the pay desk.

Adam chuckled with a mischievous glint in his eyes and took more than his time to pay for the two cups while Kris was waiting impatiently.

When they got out of the store, they made their way to the Notre Dame and sat down on a bench very close to the cathedral and watched as the sun began to set.

Adam had opened his arms, and Kris was lying into them, sprawled out over Adam's lap.

When the sun was almost gone completely, they stretched their muscles; which were a little stiff from sitting/lying in the same position for so long, and stood up from the bench.

They walked back to their car, hand in hand, and lazily stepped inside. Adam at the driver's seat and Kris in the passenger's seat beside him.

They looked at each other and smiled.

This had been a wonderful day, and they had bought each other a present that would help them remember that day for the rest of their lives.

A silent tear was rolling down Adam's cheek...

Why Kris? Why...

Matt, who had watched all the change of emotions on Adam's face, now put his hand cautiously on Adam's shoulder.

Adam turned his face towards him and saw the worried expression on his face.

Adam quickly wiped the tear away with the back of his hand and gave Matt a very weak excuse for a smile.

" I'm ok," Adam tried to reassure his friend, " I just remembered the day we bought this stupid cup." He laughed a ittle, " You should've seen Kris' face light up everytime he took it out of the cupboard. He loved this cup, just because I picked it out for him. "

" I'm sorry, Adam..." It was the only thing Matt could think of saying, because really, what can you say to that?

Adam shook his head a little, trying to force himself back into the present. Although the past was so much better...

" Matt?"

"Yes?"

" H-how... How did he die?"

Matt sighed, he had foreseen this question, but now that it was finally there, he didn't really know how to answer it...

" We were going to ambush the enemy, or at least that was our plan, " Matt started, " Kris had this plan of deviding us into two groups, I would lead one and he would lead the other one. The plan sounded so perfect and so brilliant, that even general Desai thought it couldn't fail. First, I didn't want to split up from him, because I promised you that I would look out for him, but he wouldn't hear of it. He wanted to stick with his plan and that was that. But, no matter how perfect Kris had all worked it out on paper, it still would be dangerous to actually do it. You know how stuborn he can be, and so he kept on bugging Desai until he finally budged and said we could go." Matt paused for a minute, but Adam urged him on with a nod of his head. " Everything went on pretty smoothly, we were sneaking up on the enemy from two sides, hiding ourselves in the bushes, and nobody from the enemy's camp seemed to notice us. Until..." Matt glanced back at Adam, who licked his lips nervously, and nodded again. " Until someone of Kris' group accidentally fired his gun. We don't know how or why it happened, but it had certainly caused an uproar in the enemy's camp. They all stormed out into Kris' direction. We came out of our hiding place to try and stop them, but it was too late... They were already shooting and throwing grenades at Kris' group and when they saw us, they started taking us under fire too. We were prepared and ran for cover, but Kris' group obviously wasn't..."

" How was he?" Adam asked, his voice sounding slightly hoarse, " How did he look like when you found him?"

Matt took a deep breath, this was gonna be the hardest part...

" We didn't find his body, Adam."

" What do you mean, you didn't find his body?"

"No," Matt bend down to take something out of his bag, which Adam hadn't even noticed he had with him until now, " We did find this though..."

Adam gasped when he saw the leather jacket he had bought for Kris, completely teared down into pieces.

" It's... It's his favorite jacket..."

Matt nodded sadly, " I know. He never took it off, not even when general Desai demanded him to. Kris just said, ' it's a gift from my I wear it, it feels like he's with me and it makes me feel you can't deal with it, then I quit right away.' Desai gave up after a while and just let him wear it. He didn't want to lose his best captain he has had in years, you know."

" That sounds just like Kris..."

Matt smiled a little, " Absolutely. There wasn't a day that went by without him talking about you. We teased him a lot, but he just shrugged it off and laughed along with us. He talked about Jesse too of course. I don't think he knew that I saw it, but every night before we went to bed, he would take a picture from you and Jesse out of his wallet and kiss it. I think we were all a little jealous of his love and devotion to his family, and I guess that's why we teased him about it. Kris was very loved in our troop, Adam. I think you should know that we're really gonna miss him. Especially me... Kris was my best friend, my brother. I don't think I can ever find such a great friend again."

Adam was listening quietly, trying to take in all of the information. But, one thing kept on floating through his mind...

They didn't find Kris' body. So, what if...

" What if Kris isn't dead?"

" What?" Matt asked, taken completely off guard by that question.

" Think about it, Matt." Adam said all too eagerly, " You didn't find his body, what if he isn't dead at all?"

"Adam," Matt squeezed Adam's shoulder gently, " I know you'd like to believe that he survived, but believe me... I saw lots of bodies flying up in the air, it really was a terrible sight. As much as I too would like to believe that he's still alive, all the facts of the scene point out that that simply isn't possible. Kris is dead, Adam. I'm sorry."

Adam frantically shook his head, " No, he can't be dead. He promised me he would be back. He promised me, Matt."

"Adam..."

" He fucking promised me he'd be back!" Adam screamed out and broke into sobs.

Jesse, who had been watching television the whole time, now came into the kitchen to see why his father was screaming.

When he saw his father sitting at the table with his head in his hands, he quickly ran up to him and wrapped his little arms around his waist.

" He promised me..." Adam whispered through his sobs, " He promised me he would be back... He promised..."

Matt really didn't know what to do... What could he do? Adam was a mess, and he had every right to be...

"I'm really sorry, Adam... If I could turn back the time, I would do it immediately. But I can't... I'm so sorry..."

Matt, who had been fighting back his tears ever since he had arrived at Adam's door, now broke out into tears as well.

After a few minutes of crying, Adam looked back up and waited until Matt looked back at him.

" When will the funeral be?"

Because Kris was part of the army, he had to be buried with a military ceremonial, and he had to be buried at the graveyard for old soldiers.

" Next month. I know it's a long time, but there are still men from our troops who have to get transferred back to LA. All of them would like to participate in the tribute to Kris, so I really think we should wait for them to get back."

Adam nodded, not really knowing as to what he was agreeing with, his mind was somewhere else.

His mind was with Kris...


	3. Chapter 3

**One month later: the day of the funeral**

Adam had been a mess since Matt had brought him the news that Kris was dead.

He just couldn't accept it, so he mostly stayed in denial. Hoping beyond hope that Kris would come back to him.

Jesse had stayed with both of his grandparents most of the time because Adam just couldn't take care of him properly. One week he was at Adam's parents, the other week at Kris' parents.

Adam's hair had grown a lot and the strawberry blond was coming through because he hadn't dyed his hair in weeks. He hadn't shaved himself either so now he had facial hair too, also strawberry blond.

Losing Kris was something Adam never had wanted to think about, and now that he lost him, Adam was falling deep into a big black hole.

The worst part had been to call Kris' parents, friends and former bandmates to tell them the news.

But nothing had been worse than telling Tommy...

Although Tommy was in Adam's band, Kris and him had clicked right away. Kris had been actually the one who made Adam hire him.

Adam had asked Kris to help him pick out the right people for his band when they came to audition.

Well, he already had a guitar player, Monte, but that wasn't enough to start a band, was it?

When Tommy came up and auditioned before him and Kris, Tommy had looked like a very shy guy who was very nervous to be standing there.

Adam hadn't got a good feeling about hm, but Kris said to give him a chance, and when Tommy started playing his bass guitar, Adam's whole view of Tommy changed completely.

" I told you to give him a chance," Kris had said to him, " Now go and hire that boy already!"

And so Adam did.  
>Ever since that day, Kris and Tommy had become the best of friends. Believe it or not, Adam was a little jealous every time Tommy and Kris were together.<p>

Kris was a very affectionate person, and much to Adam's dislike, Tommy seemed to like that.

Kris noticed though... When Kris, Adam and Tommy went out together, Kris made sure to always reassure Adam that he was only interested in him, and him alone.

The way he just slumped against Adam when they were sitting in a booth in some kind of club, how he held his hand on Adam's knee the whole time, how he sometimes lifted his head up to press a light kiss on Adam's cheek or lips,... Those were the tiny things that let Adam know that Kris wasn't planning on letting him go.

When Tommy got a girlfriend, Adam's worries all went away. Sure, he still felt a little streak of jealousy when he thought Tommy hugged Kris just a little too tight. But then Kris would come back to him and kiss him with so much passion, that his jealousy, and every other feeling except love, completely disappeared from his mind.

" Adam!"

A woman's voice pulled Adam from his thoughts. When he turned around, he saw his parents walking up to him, little Jesse on his mother's hand.

Adam forced a smile on his face and bend down his knees, waiting for his son to come run up to him.

" Hey, little man," Adam said when Jesse had caught up with him and wrapped his arms around him, " Did you have fun at your grandparents' place?"

Jesse nodded into Adam's chest, " I missed you though."

Adam smiled sadly, " I missed you too."

Adam let go of his son to straighten up and hug his parents.

"How are you doing, honey?" his mother asked when they pulled away.

Adam shrugged, "I'm alive..."

His mother gave him a small smile, " You'll get over it. It will take time, but you'll get there. You're strong, Adam."

Adam shrugged again, " Yeah, well..."

Then he felt someone gently tap his shoulder and turned around to see Brad and Cassidy standing there, together with their little girl; Sally.

" Hey, boo, " Brad said, hugging Adam tightly, " You ok?"

" Been better." Adam answered, moving over to Cassidy to hug him as well. Then he bend down to give Sally a hug and a kiss on her cheek.

When he straightened up again, he saw his band walking up to him.

Monte, Cam,Isaac, even Longineu, his old drummer was there. His dancers were there too, Brooke,Sasha, Terrance and Taylor. Last in line was Tommy...

They all hugged Adam tightly, whispering some words of comfort and encouragement into his ear.

When Tommy came close enough to Adam, Adam could see his eyes were red and swollen.

" I'm so sorry, Adam." Tommy whispered, " I... I don't know what else to say..."

Adam gave him a sad little smile and hugged him, " You don't have to say anything. I'm just glad you're here, and I'm sure Kris would be glad as well."

Tommy smiled weakly at him before turning around and walking to the others. Leaving Adam all alone by himself.

He wasn't alone for long though, because he saw Kris' parents and friends come walking up to him.

Kim Allen was crying while she hugged Adam and Neil had to fight his tears as well.

Then it was time for Kris' friends, and band mates, to hug Adam.

Chris, Ryland, Andrew and... Cale of course.

Cale... If there was anyone Adam was even more jealous of than Tommy; it was Cale.

Cale and Kris had been friends since like.. Forever. There was no way Adam could compete with that.

Kris had reassured him thousands and thousands of time before that Adam had nothing to worry about, but still... Adam never really seemed to trust it.

When it was Cale's turn to hug Adam, it was obvious that he was very nervous about it.

When Adam actually saw a tear roll down Cale's cheek, he pulled him against his chest and held him close.

This wasn't the time to hold a grudge against someone. And he knew that Kris would be proud of him if he saw him right now...

When they pulled away, Adam held his hands on Cale's shoulder and waited until he looked up at him.

" I'm glad you came, Cale. I know this must be hard for you..."

Cale shook his head, " Not as hard as it is for you. I might've been one of his best friends, but you... You were everything to him, man. Seriously, no one could come close to you in Kris' big heart."

Adam smiled, a real, sincere smile this time, " Thank you, Cale. That really means a lot to me."

Cale smiled back at him, "I'm only telling the truth."

Adam nodded and hugged Cale again, " I know. Thank you..."

When they pulled away, they heard someone clearing his throat into a microphone, then the voice said that they all should take their places, and so they did.

An empty coffin was being carried by four man to the front, where the self made altar was standing and the military priest was taking his place.

The funeral was about to begin...


	4. Chapter 4

When everyone had taken their places, general Desai took the place of the priest behind the altar and spoke into the microphone.

" Hello everyone. I wish you all welcome on this very sad day in which we honor our soldiers whom we've lost in battle. We especially want to honor captain Kristopher Neil Allen today. We send our love and compassion to Kris' family, his friends, his husband and his son. Kris was one of the greatest captains I've ever had, and it's gonna be very hard to deal with his loss in our 've lost many of our friends and comrades..."

Adam was only half listening to the rest of general Desai's speech.

He was sitting there, just staring in front of him with Jesse's hand clasped in his.

Memories of him and Kris were floating through his mind, and it took him every bit of control he still had left not to cry.

He still couldn't believe this was really happening...

This was all just a bad dream... Just a nightmare.

In a few minutes, he would wake up and kiss the soft lips of the boy in his arms, and everything would be ok again.

But he didn't wake up... He was trapped inside this nightmare which seemed so awfully real...

Adam was suddenly brought back to the present by hearing Matt's voice, floating through the speakers.

" Being the one in our troops that knew Kris the best, the general asked me to say a few words about him. I thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that there aren't enough words invented yet to describe Kris. Kris was my boy, my left hand, my partner in crime, my brother. Even though he was younger than me, I looked up to him. When I first came to the army, I was very scared. Kris was the one who took me under his wings. He's the one that made me into the man, and the captain, that I am today. People sometimes joked about us, saying we were just a married couple, knowing damn well that Kris already had the man of his life sitting at home with him. Kris is the most loyal man I've ever met. He was so dedicated to his family that I sometimes wondered what the hell he was doing in the army. He should be at home with his husband and son, not going out into big wars where he could get himself killed. When I told him what I thought, he laughed at me. Saying he absolutely wasn't a guy to play housemaid all day. He wanted to go out into the world and do something to make it better. He knew war wasn't really the solution, but if it could help the country, then why wouldn't he join it? When Kris was fully in action, he put everyone in awe with him. Kris was strong and demanding, but he genuinely cared about everyone, and that made everyone care about him as well. Kris had a big heart... Always looking out for everyone, even it put himself into danger. If someone would point his gun at you, he was the guy that would push you away and take the bullet for you. Kris was a wonderful, wonderful guy... And I'm gonna miss him, so fucking much."

Matt's voice broke and as he walked away from the altar, he wiped away his tears and blew his nose.

" Thank you, Matt, " general Desai had the microphone back in his hands, " I would like to give word to our priest now."

The priest took his place behind the altar and started the ceremony.

Adam wasn't listening anymore. He couldn't care less what the damn priest had to say about those stupid soldiers who had died in war.

He only cared about Kris... His mind wandering off to the day Kris had told him he wanted to join the army.

Matt's speech had brought up quite a memory...

Flashback into Adam's thoughts: the day that Kris wanted to join the army.

It was a few months after they were married that Kris came up with the idea of joining the army.

Adam thought it was a joke at first, but when he saw the completely seriousness on Kris' face, he suddenly became angry and scared at the same time.

" Are you insane?" Adam had almost yelled at Kris, " We just got married... We're going to have a baby in less than a year. And you're thinking about joining the army? Fuck that! You're not joining the army and that's that."

" What the hell has gotten into you, Adam?" Kris had asked, confused and just as angry as Adam was, " Since when are you telling me what to do and what not?"

" Since you clearly have lost your mind. Joining the army... Really, Kris. I never thought you would come up with such a ridiculous idea as this."

" It's not ridiculous! It's to defend our you know how many people would be standing in line to get such an opportunity?"

" I don't want you to defend our country. Isn't defending your husband and child good enough for you?"

" But I will be defending you. Both of you! Adam, please... Just be reasonable. It's not like I'm gonna die just by joining one of the troops."

" Don't you dare, " Adam had growled, " Don't you dare to talk about you dying. I don't want it. I don't want you to join the troops."

" Adam..."

" I've made myself clear, haven't I?"

" I'm not changing my mind," Kris had said stubbornly, " I'm going to join the troops, even if you don't agree with it."

Adam had been furious, had taken his coat and walked to the door.

" If that's how much you think of me, how much you respect me, then I'm out of here. Goodbye, Kris. Have fun in war."

Adam had stormed out of the door then and jumped into his car. Not even once looking back at his husband...

Adam drove around town the whole day, not wanting to go back home.

He knew he had exaggerated a bit, but Kris was in fault too.

If Kris had told him about wanting to join the army sooner, then they could have talked about it like two grown ups.

Now, Kris had suddenly confronted him with it, and they had been fighting like children over their favorite toy.

It was long after midnight that Adam finally decided to go home.

As soon as he put the key in the lock and opened the door, he heard footsteps coming up down the hall and braced himself for what was going to come.

Kris stood still in the doorway, staring at Adam while he fumbled with his coat to get it off.

As soon as he had it off, Kris strode over to him and stood right in front of him, demanding Adam with his eyes to look at him.

When Adam finally looked up into Kris' eyes, he didn't see what he had expected to see...

He didn't see anger or hate, he just saw sadness and worriedness. Somehow, that got to him even more...

" I'm sorry," Adam blurted out quietly, " I didn't mean to over react like that."

" I'm sorry too," Kris answered, stepping even closer to him, " I should have told you sooner that I wanted to do this."

" Yeah, you should have..."

" Adam," Kris said almost pleadingly, " I don't want to fight with you anymore. We know we're both sorry now... Can we just talk about it calmly, so I can explain to you why I really want to do this."

Adam nodded and closed the still remaining gap between them by wrapping his arms around Kris and pulling him close.

" Yeah, we can talk now."

Kris smiled and stood up on his tiptoes to lightly brush his lips against Adam's, then he pulled away again.

He took Adam's hand and lead him to the living room where they both sat down on the couch almost pressed up against each other.

They talked all night about it and Adam, after hearing all of Kris' reasons and understanding them, finally gave in.

If Kris really wanted to do this, then who was he to hold him back?

Kris looked happy, and that was all that mattered to Adam at that moment.

He didn't want to fight with Kris anymore... Certainly not if it could've been the last time he ever saw him.

Adam would never forgive himself if Kris died and they hadn't made up in time.

Why was he constantly thinking about Kris going to die?

Kris couldn't die, he just couldn't... Because Adam simply couldn't survive without him...

Adam was rocking himself back and forth, trying to calm himself down.

The memory of him and Kris fighting that day wasn't a good thing to think about right now...

" Adam?"

He heard his mother's voice beside him and turned his head to face her.

" Adam, are you ok?"

Adam tried to speak, but no sound came out of his mouth, so he just nodded.

His mother didn't believe him, but she still gave him a small smile and put her hand on his shoulder.

" It's time for your speech, honey. Good luck."

Adam blinked a few times at her before realization hit him. It was his turn to talk about Kris...

He took a deep breath, stood up from his chair and walked up to the altar, thinking to himself:

_I can do this... I have to do this... For **Kris**..._


	5. Chapter 5

Adam was just standing there behind the altar, staring at all the faces in front of him without really seeing them.

He couldn't talk to them... He just couldn't.

Maybe if he pretended he was talking to Kris?

Yeah, that could help...

He took a deep breath, took the microphone out of the stand and walked to the coffin.

" Hey baby," Adam said, lying his hand down on the coffin, " This is really strange, talking to you while you're not even here. If you could see me right now, you would be laughing, because I'm talking to an empty coffin. An empty coffin where your body is supposed to be lying in. They all say you're dead, but I still can't believe it... How can they possibly know you're dead when they didn't even find your body? But if they're right, then... " Adam swallowed,not able to finish his sentence, " Wherever you are, I just want you to know that I miss you... It's hard for me to get through my days without you. It's hard for Jesse too. He just wants his daddy to come back, and he doesn't understand when I tell him that you're not going to. I know how you always loved to hear me sing for you, so, I decided to sing a song that's very appropriate right now in this situation. I hope you're listening baby, because there's nothing else I want more than for you to come home..."

Adam closed his eyes and started singing.

_**Hello world Hope you're listenin'**_  
><em><strong>Forgive me if I'm young For speaking out of turn There's someone I've been missing And I think that they could be The better half of me They're in their wrong place trying to make it right But I'm tired of justifying So I say to you<strong>_

_**Come home Come home Cause I've been waiting for you For so long For so long And right now there's a war between the vanities But all I see is you and me The fight for you is all I've ever known So come home Oooh**_

_**I get lost in the beauty Of everything I see The world ain't half as bad As they paint it out to be If all the sons All the daughters Stopped to take it in Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin It might start now... Yeah Well maybe I'm just dreaming out loud Until then**_

_**Come home Come home Cause I've been waiting for you For so long For so long And right now there's a war between the vanities But all I see is you and me The fight for you is all I've ever known Ever known So come home Oooh**_

_**Everything I can't be Is everything you should be And that's why I need you here Everything I can't be Is everything you should be And that's why I need you here So hear this now**_

_**Come home Come home Cause I've been waiting for you For so long For so long And right now there's a war between the vanities But all I see is you and me The fight for you is all I've ever known Ever known So come home Come home**_

Adam lowered his head when the song was over and clenched his hand on the coffin into a fist, his nails digging painfully into his skin.

" Come home to me, baby. Home to us." Adam whispered, then a little louder again, " You promised me you would come back, and you never broke your promise before. Please, don't break your promise now either and come back to me..." His voice broke and got more quiet again, " You promised me... Please... Come back!" He crouched down on his knees and looked up at the sky, " You fucking promised me to come back! Come back to me,Kris! Come back!"

Adam lost all of his composure and broke down completely.

He felt strong arms coming around him, trying to pull him up from the ground, but he fought against them.

He didn't want to be pulled away from the coffin 'cause it was the only material thing that still connected him to Kris.

Well that, and his wedding ring of course...

" No!" Adam struggled to stay on the ground, next to the coffin, " Let me go!"

" Come on, Adam." Adam heard his brother say into his ear, " Let's go somewhere we can talk."

" No, I don't want to! Please, just let me stay here..."

" Adam, please..." It was his mother's voice this time, and he could hear the concern and the tears in it.

He finally let himself be pulled up by his brother and followed him, away from all the staring people.

They stopped at his brother's car and Adam leaned against it before his knees would give away and he would fall down onto the floor.

" That was quite the speech you gave out there." Neil, Adam's brother, finally broke the silence.

" What are you doing here, Neil?" Adam asked, his voice a little hoarse from the crying and screaming, " I thought you were still on vacation?"

" Hey," Neil answered, faking like he was hurt by those words, " My brother needed me, so it's only normal that I came back, don't you think?"

Adam gave him a small smile, " Thanks, Neil."

Neil smiled back at him, " Don't mention it."

The silence was settling back over them, until Neil decided to break it again.

" So, you wanna talk about what just happened?"

Adam shook his head, " I don't even know what happened myself. I just want him to come back, so badly..."

Neil put his hand on Adam's shoulder, " I know... But you know that he's not going to. He... He died, Adam. I know it's hard for you to accept it, but he did."

" I know..." Adam answered softly, " I know he did."

Neil let out a little breath he had been holding, and wanted to throw the conversation into another direction.

" How's my little nephew doing?"

Adam shrugged, " He looked ok..."

" He looked ok? "

Adam sighed, " He spent more time with mom and dad, or at Kim and Neil's than he spend with me lately..."

" Hmm..."

" I guess I kind of suck as a parent right now."

Neil squeezed his shoulder, " You'll get through this, I know you will."

Adam gave him a small smile, " Lets go back to the party."

" It's not a party, Adam. It's just a barbecue."

" I think it's ridiculous. Doing a fucking barbecue after a funeral. What's next? Holding a fucking disco party?"

Neil had to laugh at that, " Hey, it's the army... Anything's possible."

Adam smirked at him, "Yeah, well. Lets just go back there. I bet mom is already worried sick about me, I have to show her that I'm fine."

Neil smiled and turned around to walk back to where they came from, "Lets go."

Adam followed his brother and let him be engulfed by music and the smell of slightly burned meat.

Adam was standing with his brother, his parents, Kris' parents and Brad and Cassidy while Jesse and Sally where playing a few feet away from them.

General Desai, Matt and some other guy were standing very close to them and Adam couldn't help but overhearing their conversation.

" Well, sergeant Moore, " Adam heard general Desai say, " There might be a promotion for you in the near future."

" A promotion, sir?"

" Yes... How do you feel about becoming a captain? We have a place open now that captain Allen has passed away."

Adam couldn't believe his ears...

Kris had only died a month ago. He was just buried under the sand today, and they were already talking about replacing him?

No... No,no,no... Just no!

He strode right up to general Desai.

" What the hell do you think you're doing?" Adam growled, " We just held a funeral for Kris and you're already searching a replacement for him? How can you do that? Do you really have no heart at all?"

" Mr. Lambert, I'm sorry for your loss, but-"

" Don't 'I'm sorry for your loss' me!" Adam yelled, making everyone turn their heads to look at them, " Can't you just wait with this for a little longer? I mean... Shit! What the hell is wrong with you? You just talked about how great he was, and now you're already forgetting all about him. Just like that..."

" Adam, calm down..." Matt tried to pull Adam away a little, " Come on man, just chill."

" I'm not going to chill, Matt." Adam hissed, " Not when he's trying to replace Kris, while he's just unreplaceable."

" I know he is, Adam, " Matt tried to soothe him, " But.."

Adam held up his hand, " I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear you say that life in the army has to go on and there needs to be a new captain soon. I can understand that, I do. But you don't do this when Kris has just been buried!"

" I'm sorry mr, Lambert." General Desai said, looking very uncomfortable, then he turned to Moore, " Let's talk about this some other time."

Sergeant Moore nodded and then, together with general Desai, he walked away.

Matt stayed with Adam, looking at him with concern in his eyes.

"Adam..."

" Don't, Matt." Adam turned around and walked away, back to his parents and the others, " I don't want to hear it."

When he came back to his parents, they were all staring at him with concern, and even a little fear in their eyes.

Adam was just about to snap at them to stop looking at him like that, when he felt someone tugging at his sleeve.

" Papa, papa! Will you play with me and Sally?"

Adam looked down at his son and forced a smile on his face.

" Sorry baby, papa doesn't have time to play right now."

Jesse pouted, " But, papa..."

" No is no!" Adam yelled and suddenly froze when he realized what he had done, " I... I have to go."

He turned around and all but ran away.

Jesse stood there, staring after his dad with tears in his eyes. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned his head to see his uncle Brad standing behind him.

" Papa will be back, won't he?"

" Of course he will." Brad said, glaring after Adam, " I'll make sure that he will." He looked over at Cassidy, " Will you look after him, honey?"

" Sure, no problem."

" Thanks."

And Brad strode away after Adam, determined to put some sense back in that stubborn man's head.

Yes, Brad understood that he was hurt, but that didn't give him the right to yell at his son.

It was time for Adam to get his act back together, and Brad was gonna make sure he would do it now.


	6. Chapter 6

Adam didn't really know where he was going to, he just kept running and running...

He suddenly heard footsteps coming up behind him very fast, and the next thing he knew, he was pulled around by a hand on his arm and felt a slap in his face.

He cradled his cheek in his hand for the pain and opened his eyes to look at who slapped him.

He wasn't really surprised when he saw Brad standing there, fuming with rage.

" What the fuck, Adam? Why the hell did you scream at your little boy like that?"

" Leave me alone, Bradley." Adam turned around and was ready to run away again, only stopped by Brad's hand on his arm again, roughly pulling him around again.

" I will not leave you alone. Not until you get your ass back there and apologize to that kid of yours."

" Brad..."

" Don't you 'Brad...' me! I know that you're hurting right now, but stop being a total dick and go back there! Don't you think that we don't miss Kris too? Damn' it, Adam. Kris was Cass' best man on our wedding, don't you think that means something? Have you thought about his parents and brother, how hurt they must feel about losing their son and brother? Have you thought about his friends? Obviously not. You go and hold a speech that made everyone, and I do mean everyone, in tears. Then you sang and it got even worse... When you get back to us after talking with your brother, you start freaking out about what the general said and start shouting at him until he finally walks away from you, which I actually didn't care about 'cause he deserved it." He smiled a little at remembering that moment, but then got serious again, " What I do care about is that you shouted at your 5 year old son. Your 5 year old son who has just witnessed the burial of an empty coffin, the coffin where his daddy was supposed to be lying in. You haven't even told him yet that Kris died, have you?" Brad saw Adam slowly shake his head and sighed," You should tell him, Adam. He realizes something is really wrong because his dad isn't coming back. The only thing he doesn't know is why. He doesn't know why you were talking to that coffin, why you sang that song, he doesn't even know why you were screaming at the sky for Kris to come back. That boy just lost his father and doesn't even know about it. The only thing he knows now is that his dad is not going to come back, and now he's terrified that his papa isn't gonna come back either."

" I'm not leaving him, I just-"

" Then go back to him," Brad interrupted, " Go back there, apologize, and finally tell your son what happened to his dad. You owe that to him Adam. You really do."

Adam was lost in thoughts for a while...

Brad was right, and he knew it.

He owed his son an apology, and most of all, he needed to know the truth.

Adam finally came back to his senses and nodded, " Fine, I'll come back with you."

" There's one more thing though..."

" What's that?"

" Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?"

Adam looked down and shook his head, " I try to avoid looking in mirrors or at my reflection in windows lately..."

" Obviously." Brad stated, " You look like a wreck."

If he didn't feel so bad, Adam would laugh right now.

" Thanks Brad."

" You're welcome." Brad said teasingly, making Adam roll his eyes. " No, seriously, Adam... Just look at yourself. If you can't take care of yourself then how are you supposed to take care of your son? What if child support shows up one of these days and takes Jesse away from you. Is that what you want?"

" No! Of course not!"

"Then it's time for you to get yourself back together, man. Shave yourself, dye your hair again, you don't have to cut it 'cause it does look kind of sexy...Glam yourself up a bit again." Brad paused and looked straight into Adam's eyes, " Kris wouldn't want you to let yourself go like this... He would want you to be happy, to get on with your life... I know it's only been a month,and I'm not saying you can't feel hurt anymore ,but Adam, you really have to grab control of yourself again before you lose your son too. If you want to yell at someone again, call me and I'll be there, then you can yell at me instead of him."

Adam smiled a little, " Thanks, Brad. For real this time."

Brad smiled back at him, " You're welcome. Now let's go back. I bet there's someone anxiously waiting for you."

Adam gave Brad a quick hug before they both walked back to the others.

When Adam and Brad were back with the others, they found Cassidy, crouched down on the ground, playing with Sally and Jesse.

Brad smiled and walked up to his husband, while Adam waited a few feet away from them, staring at his son.

When Jesse saw his uncle Brad, he looked around expectantly and saw his father standing a few feet away from him.

Jesse looked back at Brad, who nodded and smiled down encouragingly, so Jesse got up from the ground and started to walk slowly, cautiously, up to his father.

Adam bend down his knees and opened his arms, smiling as Jesse sped up his step and launched himself into his arms.

Adam hugged his son tightly as tears began to fall down from his eyes.

When they pulled back, Adam could see that his son had tears in his eyes as well.

" You came back..." Jesse whispered and buried his face into his father's chest again.

" Of course I did," Adam said, stroking his hand through Jesse's hair, " I would never leave you alone."

Jesse then looked up again, " Daddy really isn't coming back, is he?"

Adam sadly shook his head, " No, he isn't..."

" Why?"

Adam took a deep breath, glanced over at Brad for a little mental support, then turned back to his son, " Your daddy died... That coffin you saw today, the whole ceremony you had to sit through... All of it was for your dad..."

" Daddy... Died?" Jesse's voice cracked and Adam pulled him back against his chest.

" Shhh, baby... It's ok... I'm still here for you. I'm not going anywhere..."

Father and son both cried as they tried to comfort each other through the pain.

Brad looked at father and son while holding his daughter in his arms, and the arms of his loving husband around his waist.

He smiled...

Adam and Jesse would get through this now everything was settled down between them.

They were both two very strong people, and together, they were unbeatable.


	7. Chapter 7

Almost a year had gone by since the so called funeral for Kris, and Adam had finally picked up the pieces of his life again.

At least as good as he possible could without having Kris beside him anymore.

He had done as Brad had told him to do. He shaved himself, dyed his hair again and even let it cut again by his favorite hair dresser.

He had taken Jesse back home and tried to be a great dad for him.

Now Jesse knew that Kris was dead, it was a little easier for Adam because he didn't have to lie about the possibility of Kris coming back home anymore.

Preparations were being made for the Kris Allen memorial day.

Yes, Adam wanted to do something every year that went by since Kris died, and this would be the first time that they did it.

Adam got help from Sony Music, his record company, and of course, he got a lot of help from his friends and family to make it all work.

Even though Adam had always been the big star and Kris had to walk a little in his shadow when it came to stardom in the music business, Kris had had his fair share of performances too.

Being the opening band to Daughtry, Lifehouse and the Goo Goo Dolls , wasn't something you could call a little thing either.

Besides, More and more people started to love Kris because of it. In the end it was hard to see for who the crowd had really shown up for... For the opening band or for the main band? That's just how Kris was... He could make you fall in love with him in no time.

His little boyish innocence was simply endearing. And the way he could play the guitar or the piano was simply mesmerizing.

It was when Kris played the piano that got to Adam the most.

The raw, clearly emotional, feelings that showed on Kris' face, the way he moved his fingers on the keys while he sang was like magic to Adam.

And he missed that... He missed that so fucking hard.

The thought of getting rid of their grand piano had played in his mind more than once since Kris passed away. But in the end, he just couldn't do it.

Jesse sometimes sat on the piano stool for hours, softly touching a few keys, but withdrawing his hand very quickly as if he was just bitten by them.

Anyway, the preparations for the big event were all as good as ready. So everything was fine, until a week before the event would take place, Adam got a phone call.

" Hi, Monte. What's up?"

" Hey, Adam. Um, I'm afraid I have bad news for you..."

" Bad news?"

" I'm afraid I can't make it to the event for Kris next week."

"What? Why?"

" It's uh, kind of personal..."

" What the hell am I gonna do without my guitar player?"

" You'll find someone else..."

" In a week time?"

Adam could hear Monte sigh, " I think you already know who would be perfect for it..."

" Yeah, I do... The only thing is... I don't know if he'd want to do it. It's not like we're the best of friends..."

" But he was one of Kris'. Just ask him Adam, I'm sure he'll do it."

After talking a few minutes more, Adam put down the phone. Only to pull it up a few minutes later to call the person Monte had been referring to.

"Hello?"

Adam took a deep breath, "Hi, Cale. It's me, Adam."

Adam heard a little sound of surprise escape Cale's lips.

" Hey, Adam! How are you?"

" I'm ok... Look, Cale, I'm not gonna beat around the bush here. I called you to ask you something... Something which is very important to me."

" Sure, just ask me."

" Monte just called me. He can't make it to Kris' memorial day next week, which leaves me without a guitar player, and I can't sing an acoustic song without a guitar player. So, I was wondering... Would you like to take Monte's place on the stage with me?"

Adam could hear Cale take in a sharp breath.

" Are you serious?"

"Of course I am. I wouldn't bother calling you if I wasn't..."

" I would love to."

" Really? Do you have time right now to practice? Because it's only a week and I really want the song to work..."

" Sure, I have time. See you at the studios in 10?"

" Sounds good. See you then."

"Bye, Adam."

"Bye."

Adam hung up his phone and let out a long breath he had been holding.

He hoped he hadn't made a mistake with choosing Cale to accompany him on stage.

They had never worked together, and they really weren't friends at all...

The one thing that made him think he was doing the right thing, was Kris' voice inside his mind.

" I'm so proud of you..."

And that was more than enough for Adam to take this chance...

Hopefully it won't be ruined...

Somewhere in a military base in Iraq, a very well known brown haired boy was shaken awake very roughly.

" Wake up. Wake up, you filthy American!"

An Iraqis soldier shouted in broken English and shoved a tray with bread and water in front of the brown haired boy.

" Breakfast. Eat up. Then I'll take you to the general."

Then the man left the little cell again and the brown haired boy was left alone, with his very un-tasty looking breakfast tray.

He shivered from the cold and looked down at his shaking hands when he took hold of the bread.

He didn't have a clue how long he had been here...

Days? Months? Years?

He looked down at his wedding ring, stroking it softly with the index finger of his other hand.

It was the only thing he had left that reminded him of his home.

His home in LA. With his husband and 5 year old, who knows how old he might be right now, son.

Tears fell down on the bread as he kept on stroking the wedding ring.

Only two words got through between his sobs...

" Adam... Jesse..."


End file.
